Since I last posted, I went half way across the world and saw God knitting hope into one of the darkest places on earth. It was without a doubt the most pride-shattering and life changing trip I have ever taken, and the lessons and experiences I took from the middle eastern desert and the courageous people who, in spite of their desolation still dare to live in hope, deserve their own book... It was incredibly humbling to learn lessons in joy, friendship, genuine courage, service, and sacrificial love from the very people we went to serve. My world was turned upside-down seeing the courage of these people living with a sort of raw and authentic joy that was completely new to me, even in the midst of such devastating poverty, destruction, and hopeless circumstances. But while their hopefulness burns in my memory, the hopelessness and desperation written across faces of refugees burns my heart. There was brokenness in the depths of their eyes that made me want to drop everything I was doing and change the world. Questions that are comparatively easier to answer when we live in middle-class America become all of a sudden extremely difficult and complicated in a country like Afghanistan. Questions such as, "How can a good God allow such pain?" "How can hunger, death, thirst, selfishness, and great disparity exist in a world controlled by a God who defines Himself as perfect love? " ...But God had to humble me. He had to quiet my doubt and make real to me the truth (often hard to swallow) that He has His own timing, and that it is absolutely flawless-beautiful even-just maybe not now. I need to be patient and wait on Him. I need to leave to Him what only He can do. I cannot save the world, I cannot save His people. All He asks of me is to faithfully do the work He puts in front of me. Love people, no matter who they are. And I mean love them well, and literally NO matter who they are. Meet them exactly where they are. Stand in the gap. And stand up for the marginalized. Please take a minute and let that sink in because it took 24 hours of flying and seven days in Afghanistan for me to really begin to barely grasp what it is Jesus has me on this planet to do, and even now as I write this it serves to challenge me again...
"Do not give up in freedom what those in oppression fight for..." (Ashley, SOZO long term team)
When I came home from Afghanistan, I had to accept and embrace that even after extreme life change and a turn in perspective, life moves on. So, through the summer, fall, and half of this winter I continued to work with my dementia-ridden friends at the senior home. Yes, I call them my friends. Maybe they hit, punched, cursed, screamed. But they also taught me so much about how sweet it is to strive to build relationships (even if they cannot remember your name...) with the people who surround you. I have found that God has placed me in so many circumstances (sometimes not so gently) where I must choose to see Him. He is not so obvious in dementia, in sickness, in pain. But He is there. He allowed me to find Him in the tender hearts of an elderly patient, in the twinkle that remains in their aging eyes. He is in the squeeze of their hand, so gentle and kind. He is ever present in their deep belly-laughter that is free once again to break through, suppressed since childhood by our fast-paced, individualistic world. There is freedom in my elderly friends that I do not find anywhere else. I am convinced that God chooses to show Himself, and the innumerable aspects of His flawless and intricate character, in even the most unlikely places-through even more unlikely people. Most of the time, I've seen, this is the only way we pay attention.
The last and hugely significant event I'd like to spend a few more words on is the fact that the Man of my dreams asked me to marry him! I'm so thankful that my fiancé is a man of courage, humility, sacrifice, and great character. He is truly my best friend, and has seen me deal with (and encouraged me through) some really difficult and messy parts of my life. His humble love and forgiveness points me straight to Jesus, and his heart for people makes me so excited to be a team, share my life with him, and learn to serve him. I cannot think of a better man that I will soon get to call my husband. What a blessing!
As what always seems to happen, I've written a novel...But to avoid an abrupt and shocking end, I will do as I was taught in all my English classes: summarize and conclude. In this last season of my life, I have tasted defeat and pain and failure; found myself in the middle of messes I caused, and some that just happened. I was humbled. I was brought down to size. I was strengthened, forgiven, encouraged. And weaved in between the messes were moments of joy; and holding steady all the ups and downs was the foundation of unconditional love. And all because of God's incredible grace, I endured one of the most trying and hectic semesters of college yet. Through it all I have tasted more of the sweetness of learning (sometimes the very hard way) to trust in the Lord. So with that I will leave you with the lyrics of this song. They express quite well the dry valleys and the many moments of sweetness that have come from the past 6 months of my life...
"The journey starts, I'm back again
Climbing through this mess I'm in
While willow trees they shift beneath
The outcome of my unbelief
I stop again and take a breath,
I think of all my past, my past regret
A smile breaks and finds her place
In this valley, I see your grace.
Sweet, sweet love
You're my sweet, sweet love...
Like honey comb that's on my lips
I taste a love that's heaven-sent
A love that's pure, a love that's sweet
The only love I really need."
~Esterlyn ("Sweet Love")
