I was laid up in a bed. Tubes were coming out of every whole in my body. I felt like I couldn't move, and I was in pain like I've never experienced. Not to mention I was laying with a thin sheet and a hospital robe covering my completely naked body. I hated that.... Dignity gone, and comfort thrown out the window a long time ago, I cried with tears of joy as I looked around a saw my family and Luke enter room 4404 of Sky Ridge Hospital. The nurses had just wheeled my bed ever so gently from recovery (where I cried with joy because the leg pain I had experienced for so long was completely gone!) to my hospital room. Never had I been so grateful to look up into the eyes of the wonderful people in my life God has blessed me with-my dad, my mom, and Luke. I was on oxygen, had a catheter, an IV complete with antibiotics, fluids, and some kind of morphine (woo!), 3 tubes coming out of my back to relax my muscles and drain blood from my wound, and I was vulnerable like I have never been before. Something I'll never forget about this day is the memory of my dad pulling up a chair next to my bed, grabbing The Message Bible I had packed along with me, and sitting down next to me, reading Psalms. He was reading me Songs of Joy that my Savior had written to all of us, and nothing in the world could have meant more to me. Every Psalm my dad picked had a different message of hope, or of the Awesome greatness and supremacy of God. It was so humbling...laying there in my bed and listening to that. And nothing was better for that moment than to be reminded of the perfect and unchanging goodness of God.
"All together now-applause for God! Sing songs to the tune of His glory, set glory to the rhythms of His praise. Say of god, "We've never seen anything like Him!"...The whole earth falls to its knees-it worships YOU, sings to YOU, can't stop enjoying YOUR name and fame." -Psalm 66:1-2,4
I don't remember much more of the first day, except for that I kept begging my mom to put some clothes on me and that I slept SO much. Luke stayed in the hospital that night and slept on a couch that I'm sure was completely uncomfortable...probably resembling something between cardboard and concrete. He was so patient. The nurses came in every hour to check my vital signs, and each time they left he'd come over and see if I was ok and help me get "comfortable", then return to his couch. His patience and selflessness had never been more obvious to me, and he was Jesus to me in so many ways that very rough night...
Day 2 was also extremely hard. But God blessed us with this incredible nurse. Literally, words can't describe her. She was so patient, but she challenged me. She listened to my pain and helped me keep it under control as best she could, and when there wasn't anything she could do, she sympathized, but did not belittle me. I asked her if she could please take my catheter out (I wanted that dignity back), and she was more than willing to do that. The OT came in and helped me take a shower...and though it took nearly an hour, it was so refreshing to just be unhooked from everything for awhile and feel human! Then the Physical Therapist came and taught me some exercises and took me on a walk. I was finally free from all of my tubes because my wonderful nurse had freed me. The walk was SO slow, and I felt so weird, but it was great :) I loved that I could be out of bed. I also was reminded of the small ways God encourages me, as I passed an elderly man who had hip surgery and he yelled jokingly at me "Slow down, young lady!"...something that I didn't think I could even do, considering I was going so slow already :) But it gave us all a good laugh, and it put things in perspective for me.
My mom stayed with me this night. I have to say that I just absolutely love my mom. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever imagine in a wonderfully patient woman like her as my mother. She loves me too and it is so obvious. She did everything and more that moms do. This night was better, and that was a blessing.
I think I should probably stop documenting each day and just start summarizing, otherwise this is definitely going to turn into a long and boring novel that no one will want to read...Sorry! Wordiness had always been one of my downfalls :) But I do have to say that when my brother and sister-in-law came to visit, it was a real blessing! They came on the 3rd day, when I was doing a little better, and my brother's humor has always been an encouragement to me, and that will never change. Laughing hurt, but it was also so healing. The Lord gave all of us so much lightheartedness, even in the toughness, and to me, that is a bright show of His goodness! I realized throughout my stay at the hospital (more than any other time in my life) that there are times in your life when you just have to be humbled and let other people help you. God "cut me down to size" so to speak, as I could hardly do anything without someone helping me. I also realized that there is always joy that we can chose to focus on. It is said all the time, but it is absolutely true that TRUE JOY is completely independent of circumstances. I'm thankful that my family helped me choose joy. And speaking of joy, my dad sent me a text just yesterday-when I was having a really good day in terms of pain (this is way out of chronological order, but it fits in to say now!) that said that while we always have joy, sometimes God also gives us happiness. My dad is so wise, and that statement couldn't be more true. We always have the joy that comes from being saved by Jesus Christ and having the hope of His rescue, but sometimes, God also gives us happiness, a feeling that can reinforce the hope we have in Him. We don't need happiness, but I think God knows our hearts, and uses feelings like that to encourage us through our deepest pains.
Anyway, I was in the hospital for 4 days and 3 nights...not bad for what had been done. Dr. Choi came in and checked on me every day, and we were reminded again of how blessed we were to have had him as my surgeon. Since I had mastered some stairs and taken a shower all on my own, they released me, and next thing I knew, I was being wheeled out in a wheelchair into my dad's car. I was so excited and so thankful to get back to what I could call home.
Since being home, there has been a lot of improvement. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by a family that loves me and shows me Jesus every moment. They help me with everything, and through each moment of my dependency on them, God has taught me how to be so much more dependent on Him. He MUST be my joy, my strength, my everything. As vulnerable and broken as I have felt the past two weeks, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world because God has already shown me a small part of His purpose in it. Never have I been able to love Him so deeply or trust Him more freely. Never have I seen the depth of my need for Him as I have so recently. I love that even in the midst of this difficult and painful time, God has been so faithful to show His goodness to me in a more real way than I have ever seen. He has given me a depth of appreciation for what He has done for me, and has shown me how to look for Him in ALL things. It is such a blessing to know that we serve a God who can work in ALL things. One who is completely limitless...
When I started walking more and becoming more mobile, my leg pain returned. Sometimes it is worse than it was, sometimes it is better, and sometimes it is almost gone, just like it was the day I woke from surgery. When it came back, I was so discouraged. All that for nothing?, I thought! I can't handle this if I'm going to have the same pain and more after surgery that I had before I went into surgery. But Dr. Choi and the nurses reminded me that nerves take a long time to heal, maybe up to 6 months. So now when it hurts, I am learning to trust that my nerve is just waiting on God, just like I always will be :) Random surprises from sweet friends, and visits from good friends, encouraging cards and seeing people reach out to me have all reminded me that God is working and He is not leaving me alone. He is the ultimate Encourager, and He is also the ultimate Healer.
There are still so many unknowns. It is a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of recovery. Some days are better than others, but we have all learned to celebrate the small things. I love laughing at myself and all the creative/silly things I have to do to get things done. All the embarrassing questions I was asked every hour at the hospital have now just become good jokes. Maybe not appropriate to write about :) But if you ever want a good laugh we can always talk :) My family and friends have reminded me to keep my humor, and it is just another way that I am reminded of the un-circumstantial joy in Jesus Christ. It is such a release to just laugh in the midst of the difficulty of things that used to be so easy and maybe aren't so easy now.
I don't know how I will feel in 2 hours, 2 more weeks, or in 6 months, but what I do know is that God is Good, and that never changes. I could write for hours more about the blessings He has given us in every way (through people and finances and everything else). I want to write millions more words about the perfection of timing I have seen, looking back on how He orchestrated the events leading up to this time. All I can do is just praise Him for it. He deserves all the glory for every moment of good in my life.
It's hard to close this post, maybe because there still is so much I don't have figured out. But I do know that God has given me peace about things that I can't explain. I know His promises are true. I am humbled and thankful to love Him and submit to Him in a way I didn't know before. And I know that while things will pass and my life will change, my God will NOT!!
He is always good. Always present. Always trustworthy and peace-giving. He is always teaching us something and breaking the parts of our hearts that need to be filled by Him. He is always with us in EVERY thing. We can't explain the ways in which He works sometimes, but we also can't explain the peace He can give. So, in the midst of all that I do not know, I will just close by restating what I do know: My Savior is Jesus, and He has given me joy and peace and grace that I cannot explain and do not deserve, but I can enjoy and rest in Him no matter what is going on in my life...And I know that I am never without purpose-He ALWAYS gives me the responsibility to reach out and serve Him!
In spite of it all, I'm SO thankful to know a God like that!
"The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of Heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less." -2 Corinthians 5:5
"So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ!" -2 Timothy 2:1
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