washing feet

Last week at work, I was helping a particularly difficult elderly woman to bed...just for some history, this job has been quite a challenge. Most times, I feel like I'm in way over my head. When everyone around me has been captured and ripped apart by dementia, it is hard to feel like I'm not going to lose my sanity. It demands patience and compassion that I have never had. God has brought me to my knees so many times over the last six weeks, making it more than obvious to me that without Him providing every ounce of strength, I will not be able to serve these people's needs...or capture their hearts.

Back to Melinda. A vibrant, witty, and successful woman in her younger years, she seemed to be able to steal hearts and light up smiles with contagious humor and larger than life attitude. She was dedicated and passionate- a teacher, a wife, a mother... Now she is a widow and forced to succumb to years of cancer, parkinson's disease, and dementia. Caring for her is more than challenging. Her condition has ripped her to pieces. She is 95 pounds. Frail. But her personality can be a monster sometimes. Her words still have the ability to drip with sarcasm. Her comments are so often demeaning, condescending, and ugly. I was getting so discouraged working with her. Her words pierced my sensitive heart. Each day before I work, I try to remind myself that it is Melinda's disease, not her, that is talking. But it doesn't change the nature of what she says, especially when it turns to her actually attempting to choke me or break my hand. I'm not kidding! This woman is more than difficult!

But then, last Friday, when it came time for me to help Melinda to bed (a task which had turned from bad to worse on my past two shifts, causing me to have to leave the room and ask for help), I prayed for patience, took a deep breath, and entered Melinda's room. I started asking Melinda about college, poked some fun at the fact that she went to CU and I am a student at CSU. She liked that. She actually smiled a bit. So we kept talking. I was on my knees in front of her, just looking into her eyes and listening to a bit of her story. Minutes passed as we SLOWLY but surely took baby steps to get her ready for bed. (Melinda moves on her own time. In a job where it seems like you never have enough time to help anyone, Melinda demands ALL your time, and she HATES to be rushed) Melinda could never be pleased, and the fact that she wasn't retaliating verbally or physically, but instead actually carrying on a pleasant conversation, was something I considered to be a HUGE success!

After 45 minutes of tasks it would have taken an average human being 10 minutes to complete, I asked Melinda if I could help her into bed. She looked at me, and without hesitation she put her arms around me and said "You did good, tonight. Thank you."

I stood there, floored. Melinda hugged me. Melinda thanked me. A woman who is never pleased, whose expectations can never be met, who I thought hated me, had just put her arms around me and squeezed me gently with strength I know she barely had. It was an absolutely beautiful moment.

But God was just beginning to soften my heart and bring me to my knees this night...

Melinda had asked me to wash her legs with a warm washcloth, then put lotion on them. It was a nightly ritual that helped her to relax and keep her fragile skin from breakdown. Knowing Melinda is rarely pleased, and knowing that dementia makes a person's moods more volatile than any metaphor I can even try to come up with, I took extra steps this night to hopefully keep Melinda in a pleasant and peaceful mood. When I began to rub down her legs, I could see Melinda relax, and I felt tension leave her legs. I asked her one last question, and as soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my heart fall to its knees...

You see, I asked her if she wanted me to wash her feet.

My own words seemed to echo in my head. ...wash her feet...

Melinda didn't answer me. She had already drifted into a peaceful sleep. I stopped what I was doing and thought about this moment. God could not have made it more clear to me in that moment what His purpose was for me since the day I started working there. I stood at the foot of Melinda's bed with tears in my eyes. But this time my tears were not from discouragement, but from being overwhelmed by the way God had chosen to teach me compassion and humility. I was in awe of how God reaches so far to get to my heart and never gives up on me. And He made it so plain that I am not to give up on people He asks me to serve, no matter how difficult and unpredictable they may be.

The truth is that Jesus would wash my feet... even if my words were hurtful and my heart unthankful. But there is His grace. Grace that saves me every minute of every day from the trap of my pride. When I lock myself up with my selfishness, I miss out on learning more of who Jesus is. But in moments like this, He grips my heart closer to His, stops me from wandering back into a cage of self-protection, and pushes me out to serve without thought to whether I will be hurt. All that matters is that I go all in and love His people, whether they are young or old, capable or frail, intellectual or confused, abusive or abused.

Loving people like Melinda is not an easy task. But then again, it wasn't easy at all for Jesus to love me. He had to die on a cross.

The beauty of God's love, grace, and mercy overwhelmed me.

And I finished washing Melinda's feet...

Dangerous Love, Adventurous Life!

The third verse of Hebrews 11 says that "By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Basically, this verse says that God, our incredible Creator, made the entire world, everything we see, all that is beautiful, majestic, huge and microscopic-all of it was made out of absolutely nothing! How incomprehensible is that?!

Obviously, this God we serve and worship is not a safe or definable God! Nothing else we see or know has the true ability to create...In other words, we have starting material, but God did not! God's love for us is ferocious in sacrifice and revolutionarily beautiful in resurrection. His life for us is an adventure, not boring. He is not a neat and tidy, organized church-pew God. Instead He is the Creator of thunderstorms and the Author of every moment of each of the billions of people He has on this earth right now... It is an unfathomable, immense, wonderful God who has written His name across the sky!

All this went through my head as I read the end of Hebrews 11, when the men and women of courageous faith are noted by the author. He describes their passion, their uninhibited faith, and their bold love as they trusted a victorious God. Even though none of these people ever received what God ultimately promised, they vigorously followed after the heart of GOD! It was so challenging to me to read about the depth of trust these people had and the way they completely abandoned what made sense and what the world defined as logical, and they ran after God. Some of these were chained, prisoned, put to death, stoned, or "sawed in two", but others became "powerful in battle", their "weakness turned to strength", they "shut the mouths of lions", "quenched the fury of the flames", conquered kingdoms, delivered justice, and "escaped the edge of the sword"!

These phrases are anything but boring! They are dangerous, adventurous, challenging, and wild! Behind these words were people who truly loved God with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength. They left nothing out, and they held nothing back! And I believe that God will not hold back from them when they meet Him!!!! I realized that I need to stop going through my day like I serve a static God! He is always moving! He is always working! How wonderful would it be to be in sync with the movement of God, who created everything beautiful out of nothing at all!?

I want to stop holding back! I want to experience the dangerous love of Jesus each moment, and I want to be a part of His adventurous life! Only then will my life make Him attractive and refreshing to a world desperately searching for His revolutionary love!

Rest.

Today in my quiet time I was reading Warren Wiersbe's book on Hebrews, and God showed me something profoundly simple. Yet it was also something so beautiful, and it changed the way I will think about true rest; that is, rest GOD'S way, forever!

In Hebrews 4, the author is talking about the rest that many of the Israelites missed because of their disobedience. He says that the generation later was able to enter this rest, this gift from God. Then the author talks about a rest that is coming, and that it is here "today". Here, Wiersbe explains that the author is referring to the complete rest we have with God through salvation in Jesus Christ. We have this rest NOW! Praise God!

Here comes the wonderful part that I learned :) Wiersbe refers to what Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-29... "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

In these verses, Wiersbe points out that Jesus talks to us specifically about two types of rest: the first type Wiersbe calls "salvation rest". This is the rest from verse 28 that we receive when we give Jesus the burden of our sin and receive salvation, which gives us complete peace before God. This is an amazing rest: an incredible gift.

The second type of rest Jesus gives is introduced in verse 29, and Wiersbe names this rest "submission rest". In my opinion, it's brilliantly named. This is the kind of rest we have when we are completely obedient to Jesus. In our attitudes, in our every decision (no matter how small), in our moment-by-moment living, when we are living the way Jesus intended for us to live, we are at peace. We have real, lasting rest. I have found this to be so true in my life. As a small example, when I do my homework with an attitude of thankfulness instead of one of overwhelming stress, I find myself at peace. When I choose to respond to a situation with Christ-like love instead of my instinct of selfishness, I find that I have rest in my heart the rest of the day. God showed me today that this is the rest of submitting to His will...This is the rest that comes from obedience to Jesus. And this rest is also unexplainable and truly wonderful! This truth turns the drudgery of day-to-day living (in a fast-past, over-stressed world) into a beautiful adventure that can be filled with peace. And it means that even when our lives enter into a raging storm, we can have peace knowing that when our attitudes are Christ-like and our hearts submissive, we will experience authentic rest and genuine peace in the midst of it.

I'm praising God for His grace that gave me rest in Him-a break from my sin, and I'm going to pray that each moment I will choose thankfulness and rest in complete obedience to my Savior!

one small step

I can't explain how unsettled I felt after writing that last post...and the whole time leading up to it. And the unsettled-ness I felt after writing it was so intense I almost physically felt like I couldn't sit still! I know that part of this was conviction. God has gotten ahold of my heart this past month in a new and intense way, and He is DEFINITELY NOT going to let me sit around and do nothing!

So, in all my unsettlement, I prayed. I prayed for an opportunity, and I prayed that God would not let me get caught up in emotion, but that He would give me an idea. An idea that would show the love of Jesus to the people that God's heart beats for...to the precious and desperate people for which He is beginning to sensitize my heart. And, as many of us experience, I woke up in the middle of the night a week ago with an idea. One small idea. But I prayed about it, and was getting so fired up about it that it was hard for me to fall back asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I prayed some more and the more excited I got the more I knew that this was worth a try...

So, here it is: I've found that shoe boxes are useful for more than carrying shoes :) Especially when we have all been surrounded by the devastating pictures of the earthquake that hit Haiti and changed the world. I couldn't ignore the precious pictures of mothers being united with their babies after being trapped under rubble for days. And I also couldn't ignore the rising death toll or the pictures of wounded and dirty people with hopelessness in their eyes and desperation engraved on their faces.

This was a door wide open that God was leading me directly through. So, with the help of my mom, I found a shoe box, then I wrapped it with white paper and adorned it with pictures of Haiti...good and bad. I cut a hole in the top of it, and realized that, though I can't run, I'm still a part of my team. The CSU track and field team. A group of people who have been blessed beyond belief, whether they realize it or not. We are a group of people that have more than we need, and we can work together as the team that we are to do something for people who have absolutely nothing- people with no hope in sight.

Ephesians 3:20 ("Now ALL glory to God, who is able, through His MIGHTY POWER at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think...") reminds me that God can do the impossible. And I truly believe that if God works through my team, and tugs on their hearts as He continues to push on mine, that this shoe box could become full of hope for the people of Haiti.

So, the next day, I called people from Food for the Hungry. They're going to have a direct giving fund to Haiti for as long as the people there need help; and when we're honest, that is going to be a LONG time. Another open door. Then I talked to my coaches that afternoon and asked them if they would be in for the idea. At first, I honestly couldn't read their emotion, but it was the first day back from a long break and it is definitely something we have never done as a team before. But, as I talked to them more about specifics, they became more enthusiastic and were willing to help me come up with ideas as to how to keep the box safe and how to write the final check. Yet another incredibly open door!

On Wednesday last week, I presented the idea to my entire track team. Before I did, I had a chance to just walk and pray. I prayed that the words I said would be God's words. That He would speak to the hearts of my teammates and do what He alone could do. So next thing I knew, I was up in front of the whole team, challenging all of us, including myself and the coaches to put extra change, extra money from going on competition trips, and other cash into this box. We all understand that there just isn't a lot of "extra" for any of us today. But we also understand (because it is blazingly obvious) that Haiti has NOTHING, no way of even defining what "extra" is. I can't even remember exactly what I said. But it was an amazing thing to just allow God to use my mouth to speak His heart. I was so humbled by the response of my teammates!! I asked at the end of my talk, "Are you guys in for this?" , and everyone began to say yes, nodding heads, and clapping. Coach Cawley ran up and put a $5 bill in the box, and everyone began to cheer! It was absolutely incredible! It was ALL God! I was just so blessed to be a part of it!

The box will be in our training room throughout the indoor season (which ends at the end of February). This is in about 5 weeks, and if it is God's plan and He is willing, that box will get full. But even if it comes out with only $60 in it, I know it will not be a waste. There is no telling what God is doing in the hearts of my coaches and teammates. And, let us not forget the promise of God's immeasurable power! He really can do anything, and He will use everything we give Him! Even our last penny brings joy to His heart.

I'm challenged again in writing this post. And I will update on how this shoe-box thing ends. But right now I'm just going to pray that God will continue to open doors, and that He will just do what He does best... Loving without limits. Loving inclusively. Loving all people with real, raw, heart-changing, life-changing, joyous and perfectly generous love. In other words, I pray that God will continue to do the impossible...

"An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others." -A.W. Tozer

"We can do no great thing, only small things with great love." -Mother Teresa

Tear Down the Walls...

I was walking yesterday morning, and it was beautiful. The mountains were screaming the creativity of God. Let's be honest, they always do, but this morning, I just had to thank Him for what He created to remind me of His unfailing Love.

Anyway, I'll get to the point of this post. Lately, for many reasons, I've just been thinking a lot about how lost and desperate this world is. And how much I want to love it more and be Jesus in more ways to the people around me. As I walked, I passed an older lady sitting at a bus stop bench. She had no teeth, and no one sitting next to her. She just sat there alone, sort of basking in the sunlight. I took out my earphones and smiled at her, saying good morning. She gave me a toothless and sweet smile and said hello back.

Then I kept walking. And as I turned the corner I was convicted with the opportunity I had just passed by. Why couldn't I have sat with her until her bus arrived? I was by no means in any hurry. And she was alone and friendly and sweet, and I'm sure we could have had a great conversation that would have brightened her day and warmed our hearts. But I passed it by...

Then as I continued walking, a wonderful older black lady walking with two boys about five years old and a stroller (she had her hands quite full), told her boys in the sweet "mamma" black voice :)- hopefully that isn't offensive in anyway because I mean it in the sweetest way possible- to move out of the way and let me pass. I slowed down and told her thanks so much, that she was too sweet and didn't have to do that (as I was about to walk out into the street to pass them by), but she smiled and said, "honey you are walking much faster than we can go". And it just made me smile! I said hi to those precious little black boys and again continued to walk. And as I turned another corner, I realized I'd passed up another opportunity. I thought I should have offered to babysit for free sometime. The neighborhood I was in was one of those that usually (not always) houses a lot of underprivileged families. She may have been more than happy to have help like that. Maybe it sounds like a weird thing to do and perhaps a little forward, but what is the worst that could have happened? She'd have said no?

Again, my heart felt heavy. Why these two missed opportunities right in a row that pierced my heart and revealed my selfishness? I was convicted. I can't change what I didn't do. But, I knew both of those experiences had softened and sensitized my heart to look out and step out a little more next time. So I prayed a lot the rest of my walk, that the next time there was an opportunity like that right in front of my face, I wouldn't pass it up...

Then there came a beautiful thing. God loves to challenge us. Just last night -less than 8 hours after those experiences -Luke and I decided to go on a date and just walk up and down Pearl St. in Boulder. (He had just finished telling me about his trip down to Denver to pick up his books. While there, he saw a homeless man and gave him some cash without a second thought. Luke, your selflessness is such a challenge to me! And last night you were my reminder!)

Anyway, we saw a LOT of people, but of course, one in particular was my opportunity and God's direct answer to my prayer. A man with a half-smile that was oddly accompanied with sort of a twinkle in his eye walked right up to us. I noticed his beat-up bike and his backpack near bursting capacity as I looked him in the eye. He returned the favor and looked both Luke and I in the eyes and said, "Guys, I'm suffering from a severe, debilitating, and anti-social disease." (and at this point I was thinking, WOW, this guy doesn't seem to anti-social to me) But he continued, "It's called poverty. Anything would help. Please."

Maybe it was so beautiful because he smiled as he said it and he allowed and welcomed our laughs. Maybe it was so perfect because Luke and I both simultaneously pulled out our wallets and gave him some cash (instead of arrogantly assuming like we both have done before that he'd just blow it on something useless or damaging). Maybe it was a beautiful moment because of the light and joy it brought to his face. He struck up conversation with us and engaged us in some story-telling. He really was quite good at it. He thanked us a ton, and told us we were from a different planet than the rest of these people walking around. We said, "Don't worry, all three of us are in a different planet. It's Boulder." At that, he laughed, smiled, and bid us goodnight and we did the same. We talked a lot about him as we went into a Starbucks and grabbed something warm to drink. We could have asked him to come with us, we both thought and said aloud. Another missed opportunity? Maybe not necessarily...hindsight is always 20/20, and maybe it's just a way that God is not allowing us to be comfortable. He has to continue to challenge us to reach further out to the people He loves. So maybe this was such a beautiful opportunity because we were in it together and that man challenged both of us and we challenged each other. And I don't think any 3 of our hearts will ever be the same...

HERE COMES THE TAKE-AWAY!!!

I know this is just one extremely small and seemingly insignificant example, but that is how it starts. As God continues to soften my heart towards His people, I'm praying for all of us, that He would continue and begin to open our hearts and our eyes and give us opportunities (no matter how small, and no matter how big! -NOT forgetting that we serve a Limitless God) to show the world that He loves them and created them to live freely and fully in His Love.

So, in light of everything I've said, please know that it's been extremely humbling for me. I'm just as guilty and selfish as anyone, and I'm just so thankful that I've been saved by a God who has the power to change my selfish heart into one that is capable of being generous and full of His love. It's going to take all of us making the conscious decision each day to DO something, anything, not just sit and talk or sit and pray and do nothing. Let's go out there as ONE UNITED CHURCH, as the SINGLE and EMPOWERED BODY OF CHRIST, forgetting all the petty differences that cause us to build walls around each other and around the brokenness of the world, and let's begin to tear down the walls and seize the opportunities to give the love and healing of Jesus to the broken and desperate world for which the heart of God beats!

After all, we were once broken and helpless, needy and hungry, and God saved us. Now through us, ALL OF US, He is, can, and WILL save the world!

Let's serve where we can...

Let's give more of our time...

Let's sacrifice more of ourselves...

Let's share what we've been given...

Let's use our talents for the benefit of others...

Let's just go out there and DO!!

"Say no to wrong.

Learn to do good.

Work for justice.

Help the down-and-out.

Stand up for the homeless.

Go to bat for the defenseless."

-Isaiah 1:16-17

Here are some (ok, maybe a lot) of the words to the song that sparked this post. It's called "Tear Down the Walls" by Hillsong United, from their new CD called A Cross//The Earth. I know there are a lot, and this post has already been so long, but please read through them. And let yourself be challenged by them...

"Tear down the walls, see the world

Is there something we have missed?

Turn from ourselves, Look beyond

There is so much more than this.

And I don't need to see it to believe it,

I don't need to see it to believe it

Cause I can't shake this fire

Burning deep inside my heart.

This life is Yours, and hope is rising

As your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would come back to you

It's all for you

Your name is glorious, glorious

Your love is changing us, calling us

To worship in Spirit and in Truth

As all creation returns to you..."

"Each one of them is Jesus in disguise." -Mother Teresa

Learning Confidence in Christ Alone!

This post is a little different...It's mostly just going to be made up of a bunch of quotes that I found extremely encouraging. They are from the book Be Confident by Warren Wiersbe, which is a commentary on the book of Hebrews. This morning, I only read the introduction, by a pastor from a church in California, and the small note from Mr. Wiersbe himself; yet I still found incredibly encouraging and challenging quotes.

The book of Hebrews is all about us learning to live by faith, not by sight. God often shakes our circumstances to help us see that we cannot trust in them, but only in Him! So, I wanted to just write down these quotes so that I could look back at them often and remind myself of God's unchanging nature and the reasons He sometimes allows difficulties in our lives. And I am confident that as I dig even deeper into this book with an open and yearning heart, that God will reveal even more of these truths. I hope that whoever reads this will also find some encouragement in these quotes. I can't believe that I already have gotten so much wisdom from the first 5 pages of this book, and it definitely makes me excited to see what else God has to show, because the beauty of knowing Him is that it is His joy to show us even more of Himself...

"One thing that always serves me well during a difficult season of life is my confidence in God's character-that He can be trusted even during my darkest days." -Ken Baugh

"Jesus kept one eye on the reality of heaven, one eye on eternity, and it enabled Him to endure the pain, humiliation and rejection He experienced on the cross. The same will be true of us, if during the difficult seasons of life, we remember that heaven is sure..." -Ken Baugh

"Confusion is a close companion during difficult times, but if I look at my life and situation through the vantage point of God's Word, the confusion clears and I can better see God's purpose." -Ken Baugh

"Drink deeply, my friend, of the truths of God's Word, for in them you will find Jesus Christ, and there is freedom, peace, assurance, and joy." -Ken Baugh

"Look to Jesus Christ and -Be Confident!" -Warren Wiersbe

"The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy." -Psalm 111:7

Lessons in vulnerability, in humble patience, and in unhindered trust...

I was laid up in a bed. Tubes were coming out of every whole in my body. I felt like I couldn't move, and I was in pain like I've never experienced. Not to mention I was laying with a thin sheet and a hospital robe covering my completely naked body. I hated that.... Dignity gone, and comfort thrown out the window a long time ago, I cried with tears of joy as I looked around a saw my family and Luke enter room 4404 of Sky Ridge Hospital. The nurses had just wheeled my bed ever so gently from recovery (where I cried with joy because the leg pain I had experienced for so long was completely gone!) to my hospital room. Never had I been so grateful to look up into the eyes of the wonderful people in my life God has blessed me with-my dad, my mom, and Luke. I was on oxygen, had a catheter, an IV complete with antibiotics, fluids, and some kind of morphine (woo!), 3 tubes coming out of my back to relax my muscles and drain blood from my wound, and I was vulnerable like I have never been before. Something I'll never forget about this day is the memory of my dad pulling up a chair next to my bed, grabbing The Message Bible I had packed along with me, and sitting down next to me, reading Psalms. He was reading me Songs of Joy that my Savior had written to all of us, and nothing in the world could have meant more to me. Every Psalm my dad picked had a different message of hope, or of the Awesome greatness and supremacy of God. It was so humbling...laying there in my bed and listening to that. And nothing was better for that moment than to be reminded of the perfect and unchanging goodness of God.

"All together now-applause for God! Sing songs to the tune of His glory, set glory to the rhythms of His praise. Say of god, "We've never seen anything like Him!"...The whole earth falls to its knees-it worships YOU, sings to YOU, can't stop enjoying YOUR name and fame." -Psalm 66:1-2,4

I don't remember much more of the first day, except for that I kept begging my mom to put some clothes on me and that I slept SO much. Luke stayed in the hospital that night and slept on a couch that I'm sure was completely uncomfortable...probably resembling something between cardboard and concrete. He was so patient. The nurses came in every hour to check my vital signs, and each time they left he'd come over and see if I was ok and help me get "comfortable", then return to his couch. His patience and selflessness had never been more obvious to me, and he was Jesus to me in so many ways that very rough night...

Day 2 was also extremely hard. But God blessed us with this incredible nurse. Literally, words can't describe her. She was so patient, but she challenged me. She listened to my pain and helped me keep it under control as best she could, and when there wasn't anything she could do, she sympathized, but did not belittle me. I asked her if she could please take my catheter out (I wanted that dignity back), and she was more than willing to do that. The OT came in and helped me take a shower...and though it took nearly an hour, it was so refreshing to just be unhooked from everything for awhile and feel human! Then the Physical Therapist came and taught me some exercises and took me on a walk. I was finally free from all of my tubes because my wonderful nurse had freed me. The walk was SO slow, and I felt so weird, but it was great :) I loved that I could be out of bed. I also was reminded of the small ways God encourages me, as I passed an elderly man who had hip surgery and he yelled jokingly at me "Slow down, young lady!"...something that I didn't think I could even do, considering I was going so slow already :) But it gave us all a good laugh, and it put things in perspective for me.

My mom stayed with me this night. I have to say that I just absolutely love my mom. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever imagine in a wonderfully patient woman like her as my mother. She loves me too and it is so obvious. She did everything and more that moms do. This night was better, and that was a blessing.

I think I should probably stop documenting each day and just start summarizing, otherwise this is definitely going to turn into a long and boring novel that no one will want to read...Sorry! Wordiness had always been one of my downfalls :) But I do have to say that when my brother and sister-in-law came to visit, it was a real blessing! They came on the 3rd day, when I was doing a little better, and my brother's humor has always been an encouragement to me, and that will never change. Laughing hurt, but it was also so healing. The Lord gave all of us so much lightheartedness, even in the toughness, and to me, that is a bright show of His goodness! I realized throughout my stay at the hospital (more than any other time in my life) that there are times in your life when you just have to be humbled and let other people help you. God "cut me down to size" so to speak, as I could hardly do anything without someone helping me. I also realized that there is always joy that we can chose to focus on. It is said all the time, but it is absolutely true that TRUE JOY is completely independent of circumstances. I'm thankful that my family helped me choose joy. And speaking of joy, my dad sent me a text just yesterday-when I was having a really good day in terms of pain (this is way out of chronological order, but it fits in to say now!) that said that while we always have joy, sometimes God also gives us happiness. My dad is so wise, and that statement couldn't be more true. We always have the joy that comes from being saved by Jesus Christ and having the hope of His rescue, but sometimes, God also gives us happiness, a feeling that can reinforce the hope we have in Him. We don't need happiness, but I think God knows our hearts, and uses feelings like that to encourage us through our deepest pains.

Anyway, I was in the hospital for 4 days and 3 nights...not bad for what had been done. Dr. Choi came in and checked on me every day, and we were reminded again of how blessed we were to have had him as my surgeon. Since I had mastered some stairs and taken a shower all on my own, they released me, and next thing I knew, I was being wheeled out in a wheelchair into my dad's car. I was so excited and so thankful to get back to what I could call home.

Since being home, there has been a lot of improvement. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by a family that loves me and shows me Jesus every moment. They help me with everything, and through each moment of my dependency on them, God has taught me how to be so much more dependent on Him. He MUST be my joy, my strength, my everything. As vulnerable and broken as I have felt the past two weeks, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world because God has already shown me a small part of His purpose in it. Never have I been able to love Him so deeply or trust Him more freely. Never have I seen the depth of my need for Him as I have so recently. I love that even in the midst of this difficult and painful time, God has been so faithful to show His goodness to me in a more real way than I have ever seen. He has given me a depth of appreciation for what He has done for me, and has shown me how to look for Him in ALL things. It is such a blessing to know that we serve a God who can work in ALL things. One who is completely limitless...

When I started walking more and becoming more mobile, my leg pain returned. Sometimes it is worse than it was, sometimes it is better, and sometimes it is almost gone, just like it was the day I woke from surgery. When it came back, I was so discouraged. All that for nothing?, I thought! I can't handle this if I'm going to have the same pain and more after surgery that I had before I went into surgery. But Dr. Choi and the nurses reminded me that nerves take a long time to heal, maybe up to 6 months. So now when it hurts, I am learning to trust that my nerve is just waiting on God, just like I always will be :) Random surprises from sweet friends, and visits from good friends, encouraging cards and seeing people reach out to me have all reminded me that God is working and He is not leaving me alone. He is the ultimate Encourager, and He is also the ultimate Healer.

There are still so many unknowns. It is a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of recovery. Some days are better than others, but we have all learned to celebrate the small things. I love laughing at myself and all the creative/silly things I have to do to get things done. All the embarrassing questions I was asked every hour at the hospital have now just become good jokes. Maybe not appropriate to write about :) But if you ever want a good laugh we can always talk :) My family and friends have reminded me to keep my humor, and it is just another way that I am reminded of the un-circumstantial joy in Jesus Christ. It is such a release to just laugh in the midst of the difficulty of things that used to be so easy and maybe aren't so easy now.

I don't know how I will feel in 2 hours, 2 more weeks, or in 6 months, but what I do know is that God is Good, and that never changes. I could write for hours more about the blessings He has given us in every way (through people and finances and everything else). I want to write millions more words about the perfection of timing I have seen, looking back on how He orchestrated the events leading up to this time. All I can do is just praise Him for it. He deserves all the glory for every moment of good in my life.

It's hard to close this post, maybe because there still is so much I don't have figured out. But I do know that God has given me peace about things that I can't explain. I know His promises are true. I am humbled and thankful to love Him and submit to Him in a way I didn't know before. And I know that while things will pass and my life will change, my God will NOT!!

He is always good. Always present. Always trustworthy and peace-giving. He is always teaching us something and breaking the parts of our hearts that need to be filled by Him. He is always with us in EVERY thing. We can't explain the ways in which He works sometimes, but we also can't explain the peace He can give. So, in the midst of all that I do not know, I will just close by restating what I do know: My Savior is Jesus, and He has given me joy and peace and grace that I cannot explain and do not deserve, but I can enjoy and rest in Him no matter what is going on in my life...And I know that I am never without purpose-He ALWAYS gives me the responsibility to reach out and serve Him!

In spite of it all, I'm SO thankful to know a God like that!

"The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of Heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less." -2 Corinthians 5:5

"So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ!" -2 Timothy 2:1